The last few days were spent exploring London with my best friends, alternating between eating good food to celebrate our graduation and revisiting our stressful days where we had shin ramen with cheese straight out from the pot as comfort food. And then I go home, curl up like a ball and start bawling because I am/was so afraid to be in Edinburgh.
I boast that Edinburgh is my favourite city (seriously, the tap water here is sweet!!!!!) but this place is filled with so many memories that I am unable to shake off. I attach memories to places and boy did I surprise myself when I realized that I could remember every single conversation that I've had with X here, right down to the location of the conversation. And then they came a period of time today when I was completely zombified. I was breathing but I wasn't living. I was seeing but I wasn't looking. The fact that I was surviving on 2 hours of sleep didn't help much either. My mind was blank and I pretty much blocked out the chaos of people promoting their show for the Edinburgh fringe.
I decided to take photos of the places we went to and relived the moment. Lol people must find me weird for taking photos of Tesco, Boots and a particular bench (seriously Nabillah can't you use that memory space for something else like idk memorize another Bach Invention???!!!). I'm afraid that this will be my last time in a long time that I'll be in Edinburgh and I really want to remember every single detail and memory. Perhaps keep it in a memory vault and come back to it when I want to. Maybe this is what romantic love is all about. The special- magical, even- kind of love that encompasses a little bit of everything, the love that makes our hearts swell with joy and burst with pain. It's the kind of love that evolves from a lust-driven hormone-raging passion into a companionship where you want to share every single detail about your life. I wished you were there during my graduation ceremony, I wished you were around for Eid, I wish you'll be around for Bhumi's first show, I wish you're around. It's the hardest love to maintain, the most hurtful love to get over and yet the easiest to find. I want to remember every single detail and memory of when, why and how X made me happy.
And on days of quiet thunder like today, I reflect a lot more than usual and realize how much I've messed up as well. I die a little inside when I tell myself that lost time is never found again.